Met Grootmoeder te U, haar huisband en MaCA lopen we door Ouwehand in Rhenen. Ik ben de buitenboordmotor van het rollend zitgerief, en dat levert wat op. Berenhonger dus.
De anderen gaan voor de oervorm van het Hollandse Fastfood genot: broodje kroket met mosterd. Ik hou van kroket, maar zo’n slappe kadet die zich week om de vaderlandse snacktrots vouwt, lamma!
Het menu zegt ook broodje kebab met frites. Hadden ze niet moeten doen. Had ik niet doen. Ik doe het wel: een kebab, maar met zonder frites. Het “ik ben goddomme niet in de Frans agteluke dakhaes” weet nog net voor met te houden. Grootmoeder te U leeft graag met de gedachte dat ze tenminste één kind goed heeft opgevoed. Die andere…
Spijt. Onmiddellijk en onvoorwaardelijk. De juffrouw van dienst loopt naar achter klapdeuren, terwijl een eind-examenkandidaat van de Neder Veluwe me aan de praat houdt. De juffrouw komt terug met… tja… ach.
“Wilt u knoflook op de.. tja… ach…?”, vraagt ze vriendelijk. Ze rost een lepel door een emmertje saus en smeert met oer Hollandse zuinigheid een laagje reukvet op de ene helft van het broodje.
Ik kan afrekenen.
Het oordeel. Het Zuid Europese brood uit goed Veluwse productielijn is verregaand superieur ten opzichte van de drie zielige kadetjes waar in inmiddels de mosterd en de kroketten worden weggeprakt.
Het is niet oud, maar ook niet vers. En het smaakt of het ook nooit vers is geweest. En nooit oud zal worden. Er onder ligt een berg echt-vlees vervanger. Ik sluit niet uit dat er echt dierenleed aan voorafgegaan is, maar soort en type zijn vaag. Een Kalfkoen? Een Klam? Echt, ik zou het niet weten.
De groente bestaat uit een enorm slablad een zielig schijfje tomaat en de illusie van knoflooksaus. De punten krijgen ze voor de hoeveelheid dierlijk product, die goed is gekruid en ondanks de bedenkelijke afkomst niet slap of week is.
Voor dit broodje geld: betrek uw kebab bij de betere vakhandel of neem zelf de schuld op je. Hier bij dus. Kebab in Ouwehand. Waar ze ook kroket hebben.
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