Zweden. Als ze daar niet in hun blote kont in fjorden aan het springen zijn, dan zijn ze aan het zuipen met bloemenkransen in het haar. Dat weet iedereen. Dat is ook niet gek want er is daar geen ene kut te beleven in dat schijtland. Zuipen is dus het credo. En van zuipen krijgt men honger. Een onstilbare trek in naar het westen gerichte lammetjes waarvan de keel onder een luid gejuich wordt doorgesneden. Bloed, spastische bewegingen, dood, huilende kindertjes, vlees, kebab. Kebab waarvan wij allemaal zoveel houden. Met name in Borlange. Een of ander troosteloos rukdorp waar niet eens een fjord is om in te springen waardoor die Zweden ook nog eens een roteind moeten rijden om naakt fjorden te bevuilen met hun smerige zweet van zelfgestookte schnapps. Het is dan ook niet verwonderlijk dat Borlange per hoofd van de bevolking de meeste kebabtoko’s ter wereld telt. De hoogste tijd dus voor een onderzoek.
Inderdaad, overal waar je kijkt staan kebabhutten. Kebab Kung, Kebab Kungel, Kaka Kebab, KoningsSee Kebab, Viking Kebab, Korv och Kebab, je kan het zo gek niet bedenken. Er zijn zoveel van die kebabtenten dat het met name voor voetballiedjeszingende engelse hooligans voorzien van Ben Shermanshirts, kale koppen en getatoueerde armen een waar walhalla is. Waarbij het grappig is dat die hele mythologie van die Zweden ook vol zit met walhalla verhalen. Een duister voorteken.
De keuze is dan ook niet gemakkelijk en vanwege de korte tijd die ik ga vertoeven in dat gat komen er slechts twee van die hutten in aanmerking. Hierbij is het interessant te melden dat het voor de prijs een combinatie betreft tussen Utrecht en Amsterdam alwaar de meeste kebabbroodjes naar binnen worden gewerkt om na het wegdrinken van alle ellende te eindigen in de plee tussen de restantjes paprikachips, augurken, margarine en andere zaken die men na enkele stevige borrels aanziet voor voedingswaren en al dan niet geheel verteerd weer uit het lichaam te voorschijn komen. De broodjes kosten namelijk 60 kronen, ongeveer 6 euro, Amsterdam en Utrecht bij elkaar opgeteld dus maar voor Zweden een gemiddelde prijs.
Omdat ik godslui ben kies ik de twee kebabhutten die zich het dichtst bevinden bij het hok alwaar ik ‘snachts in coma lig te stinken. KoningsSee Kebab en Kaka Kebab. Waarbij ik bij de tweede hut een soort van afkeer voel die ik met mijn bonkende harses negeer omdat ook de Kebabbers aldaar een eerlijke kans moet worden gegund.
KoningsSee is als eerste aan de beurt. Een vrijstaande kebabhut waar een buffetlunch voor 79 kronen wordt aangeboden. Eurootje of acht dus. Kebab kost echter het schijnbaar vaste bedrag van 60 kronen. Blikjes cola doen overal 10 kronen. De Kebabber in kwestie ziet mij aan voor een medehaatbaard als ik vraag welk vlees het hier betreft. Iets in de trant van “Ah, u eet ook geen varkensvlees!” in combinatie met een grote glimlach is het antwoord. Maar dan wel in het Zweeds natuurlijk. Omdat mijn kennis van de zweedse taal redelijk beperkt is en ik eigenlijk geen zin heb om met hem te praten laat ik het maar bij een hoofdknikje. Ondertussen zijn vier kebabbers druk in de weer om die shit klaar te maken. Van de spies wordt wat vlees gesneden en in een warmhoudbak gepleurd. Okee, het mag ook gelijk in het broodje, maar dit is ook best. Een driehoekig stuk deeg wordt ondertussen in de oven gekeild terwijl de Kebabber allerlei dingen aan het mompelen is waarvan niet duidelijk wordt of het gericht is aan zijn medekebabbers of aan mij.Het wachten begint.
Na een minuut of vier wordt mijn heerlijk ruikende broodje uit de oven gehaald en opengesneden met een sierlijk gebaar. Zo sierlijk dat ik elk moment de bloedspatten uit de halsslagader van mijn broodje op mijn gezicht verwacht te spetten. Het enige dat mijn gezicht echter bereikt is de zalige geur van vers gebakken brood. Man man man, wat ruikt dat lekker! Het broodje wordt vervolgens voorzien van het reeds eerder gesneden vlees uit de roestvrijstalen bak en de Kebabber vraagt mij of ik alles erop wil. “Naturlichtvis!” Antwoord ik vol goede moed en uit een flinke trog met uitermate vers gesneden groene bende die ik eigenlijk niet wil hebben wordt mijn verse broodje gevuld met plantaardig materiaal. De saus is een soort zelfgemaakte yoghurt/hamburgersaus met een kleur zoals we bij de Febo zien. Geen knoflook, vitloksas, en geen sambal, starksas. Maar omdat men zich dient aan te passen aan de locale gebruiken neem ik dat voor lief.Op naar hus. Eenmaal daar aangekomen wordt het broodje vol goede moed uit de verpakking gehaald om eens nauwkeuriger bestudeerd te worden alvorens te worden omgezet naar later uit te scheiden materiaal. En wat blijkt? Het zalige broodje lijkt goddomme wel een natte droom van elke GroenLinker! Een grote bak vol veganistische rotzooi waarbij het vlees de rol vervult die normaal gesproken is weggelegd voor het stukje augurk, bijzaak! Deze veelbelovende shit, waarbij ik mezelf ook nog eens matties maakte met imam Kebabstra is niet geschikt voor consumptie door carnivoren maar meer iets wat je in de tuin plant om er volgend jaar de vruchten van te plukken. Die smerige Kebabber kan zijn Kebabhut beter veranderen in een tuincentrum als hij dit blijft verkopen. Wat een ellende. De smaak van het brood is prima, zoals te verwachten was, maar de kebab moet je om de tomaatjes heen eten. Een teleurstellend begin van de kebabquest in dat godvergeten Zweden.
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