De temperatuur is zo laag dat bij ons de halve bevolking al weer snikkend boven de kaart van de Bonkefeart zou hangen. Ik loop echter door Stockholm en reken uit hoeveel joule er nodig is om mijn lichaamstemperatuur weer één graad om hoog te brengen. Dit moet worden afgezet tegen mijn strijd om van mijn status als kiloknaller af te komen. Als ik de gelopen afstand aan de vergelijking toevoeg is het duidelijk: Kebab.
Het moet een bijzondere zijn, het is voor mijn laatste verhaal als junior reporter. Dit weekend verwacht ik “het” shirt, waardoor ik als volwaardig reporter de kebabwereld kan teisteren.
Vanwege het bijzondere karakter zet ik een aantal opties op een rijtje. Vanadis grill aan de Sveavägen valt af. Ik kan nog over de woest aantrekkelijk neonverlichting heen kijken, maar de naam breekt hem op. Mijn hotel heet ook zo. Mijn Zweedse collega’s zijn het er niet over eens of het een bunker, kazerne of gevangenis is. Maar met een douche die onmiddellijk de kamer water geeft, de schimmel op het douchegordijn en de stinkende kleedjes waar een seizoen smeltwater de schimmel en bacterie kolonie aanzet tot een “minder frisse lucht” heb ik al gegeten en gedronken bij het zien van de naam. Bovendien hou ik niet van een tent waar geen rol is en je de Kebab met een vergrootglas op de kaart moet zoeken tussen de hamburger en het broodje knack. Ok, het is een smörrebröd, maar dat klinkt smakelijker dan het is.
“Mega Kebab” aan de Drottningsgatan heeft een aantal pluspunten. De Drottningsgatan is de Kalverstraat van Stockholm. Hier eten betekend uitzicht op Trollen, Elandenmutsen en winkelend publiek in winterverpakking. Een duidelijke min: een enorme frituur domineert de zaak, maar nergens lijkt überhaupt bedacht te zijn om plek voor “de rol” te maken. Jammer voor Mega Kebab, ze vallen af.
Na een lange wandeling besluit ik te kiezen voor “de keus voor mannen” de turbokebabber aan de Kungsgatan. Helaas heb ik alleen een fotografisch geheugen, en doe ik het slecht met filmbeelden. Kortom, leuke wandeling, maar ik vind hem niet terug. Terug naar af, u heeft nog steeds geen kebab.
In de 2e ronde loop ik opnieuw langs Vanadis. 69 kronen voor Kebab met strips en mos. Gelukkig hoef ik er niet serieus over na de denken, de uitbater lijkt even weg om een broodje te scoren bij de concurrent. Niemand lijkt hem te missen.
Even verderop stap ik op nr 73 de Falafel Kungen binnen. In de eerste ronde was ik er aan voorbij gelopen. Allereerst eet ik bijna principieel geen voedsel waar Ma CA snert van kan maken. Verder denk ik dat de falafel een prima keuze is voor Werelddierendag, maar nu wil ik dood dier.
Het is druk in de zaak, waar vier kebabbers zich in het zweet werken. Dit onder het toeziend oog van een kabab-sultan die in een hoekje achter de bar alles nauwlettend in de gaten houdt. De keuze is verheugend, twee rollen, home made pita en kebab in de rol vormen slechts het begin van het selectie proces. Ik ga voor het lamsmenu met strips en mos. Alleen de strips hoef ik niet. “Moet jij weten” is het antwoord, “Het kost evenveel”. “Mee een zorg, no fries!”. De kebabber wordt iets minder nors””Je kan ook rijst krijgen”. Als ik antwoord dat ik water wil in plaats van cola wordt de cultuurkloof onoverbrugbaar. “Alles?” is het enige wat er nog uit komt. Na betaling van ruim vijf euro kan ik beginnen aan de beoordeling.
Het plaatje boven de bar belooft een product dat zwemt in de tomaten. Het mos levert na een lange speurtocht uiteindelijk één velletje tomaat op. De andere tomaten zijn waarschijnlijk voor de echte klanten. Het vlees heeft helmaal niets opmerkelijks. Het komt direct van de rol, dus het is niet droog maar verder: standaard kruiden, niets opmerkelijks. Het mos (Zweeds voor “het gras”) bestaat uit standaard sla en witte kool. Erg vers, wat ook een positief effect van de hoge omzet is. Prima zijn de pepertjes en de yoghurtsaus. De sambal heeft meerwaarde uit esthetisch oogpunt verder proef je het absoluut niet. Zeker in deze wereld van kou en sneeuw verwacht ik meer van heetmakers. Het vloerbroodje is af, maar door de fantasieloze stapeling van de overige ingrediënten wordt volledig duidelijk waarom ze de falafel koningen heten en niet de “Kings of Kebab”. Mocht je ooit in de buurt zijn, het vult, en ik zou het zeker niet nomineren voor een culinaire Razzie. Een Michelin ster zit er voor deze Zweedse broeders voorlopig echt niet in.
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